Sadame no Hoshi
by Ryuuen Chou
Summary: ep. 33 spoilers, shounen-ai. Hotohori reflects on his lost love.


Sadame no Hoshi  
(Star of Destiny)  
By Ryuuen  
  
Warnings: Death-fic, shounen-ai, spoilers  
A/N: Idea came to me while reading the lyrics to some FY songs, so.... here goes nothing.  
  
  
{kirameki tamae  
sadame no hoshi yo  
ima usure-yuku  
ishiki ni wa}  
  
(please shine,  
star of destiny!  
now, it's fading  
in my consciousness.)  
  
I loved him... and then I lost him.  
I had warned him not to go, I had known something terrible would happen if he went.. I didn't know it would be this.  
I wish I could see him one last time, hear that happy laughter, see the sparkle in those rose-colored eyes, and also the sadness. The sadness he hid from everyone, or thought he did.  
Now, my dreams are filled with images of him, experiences and memories and fantasies, and I half-wish I could forget him, but I also know that I cannot. I cannot because, as much as I couldn't publicly admit it, I loved him, and he loved me. I will never forget that night that he told me.. the night before they left..  
  
----  
Nuriko looked at Hotohori.  
"Heika-sama... I think there is something I should tell you before I leave tomorrow." The violet-haired seishi said. For some reason, the young emperor's heart was beating a tad faster than usual. He didn't know why.  
"Hai?"  
"Hotohori-sama.... I.." Nuriko looked up at him, tears filling those rose-violet pools. "I love you.. Hotohori-sama.. I love you.."  
Tears ran down Nuriko's face, and Hotohori reached up a hand to brush them away.  
"Don't cry, Nuriko." Hotohori said, smiling reassuringly, despite the confused feelings he had at the moment. "I think I... I think I feel the same way.."  
He had said that then because it was true. He didn't realize it until Nuriko had said that, but his feelings for the smaller man had been growing for quite some time.  
Leaning forward, Hotohori kissed Nuriko softly, gently.  
----  
  
{nozomi wa tooku  
yume wa munashii  
saa hitoiki ni  
keshite kure}  
  
(wishes are far away.  
dreams are in vain.  
yes, erase them  
at once.)  
  
I wish I could just... not dream anymore. I sleep as little as possible, knowing that my dreams will bring me only visions of him.  
I felt his pain as he died... I felt the pain that he went through, and the fear went through my body, and I knew what had happened. I knew...  
Once, in my life, I had found happiness, love.. and it was taken from me. How many days was it? Two, three days after our first kiss? I don't know, don't care..  
I want him back so much.. he meant so much to me. That smile, the kind words, the reassurences, even when it must have been breaking his heart to see me love her..  
At the same time that it was breaking his heart to see it, he was helping me, comforting me, hiding the pain behind those rose-violet depths and never letting anyone see.... how could I have been so blind?  
Why did he have to...  
  
----  
"Hotohori-sama?" Nuriko asked, voice muffled slightly by the nearness of Hotohori's shirt, as the slightly-younger man was holding him.  
"Hai, Nuriko?" Hotohori asked.  
"I still have to leave tomorrow, you know." The older seishi told him. "As much as I want to stay.."  
"I know, but I wish you wouldn't go.."  
"I have to."  
----  
  
{sore de subete ga owaru  
sore de subete sutereru  
jibun wo seme  
kuni wo urei  
miren ni  
kurushimu hi mo...}  
  
(and then it will all be over.  
and then it can all be put aside:  
the self-accusations,  
worrying about the country,  
and the days of  
regret and sorrow...)  
  
The stars haunt me now... each time I look at them, my eyes move to his star, his constellation.. always I wonder if he is watching over me, but I know that he is.. he wouldn't leave me alone. He promised not to, didn't he?  
I'm being childish, but for once in my life I don't care. If anyone else reads this, they will see how childish I am being. I don't think it's childish, though.  
Even emperors are allowed to be human, ne?  
  
----  
"Why? Why must you go and leave me alone, now?" Hotohori asked, indignant.  
"I have to protect the priestess, Hotohori-sama.." Nuriko's voice was soft, low. "And you know I'd never leave you alone. I'll always be with you, in your heart, ne?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I'm never gonna leave you.. because as long as you keep my memory in your heart, I'll be with you! I'll always be with you. You don't have to be lonely anymore." Nuriko replied, putting a hand over Hotohori's heart.  
----  
  
{kirameki tamae  
sadame no hoshi yo  
ima kurete-yuku  
kono sora ni}  
  
(please shine,  
star of destiny!  
now, in the sky  
that's getting dark.)  
  
His laugh, his smile, even his tears.. he was wonderful. That night we spent together, me holding him, just talking and laughing, and for the first time in ages, I felt human, like a normal man, reminiscing and joking with his love.  
"Ai wa ai da yo," he used to say. "Love is love."  
No matter the boundaries of life and death, I love him, and I feel I always will. And he will always be with me, because I will never forget him.  
Ai wa ai da yo....  
He always believed it when he said it, and so do I.  
  
----  
"Hotohori-sama?" Nuriko asked after a few moments of silence.  
"Yes, Nuriko?"  
"If anything should happen to me..." He began, but Hotohori broke in.  
"Nothing will happen to you." Hotohori said. "Nothing. I won't allow it.."  
Nuriko didn't miss the worry in his tone.  
"If anything happens to me, Hotohori-sama, I would like you to please let my brother, Rokou, know.. please?" Nuriko said finally. "I doubt anything like that will happen, but.. it's always a necessary precaution, ne?"  
"Hai," Hotohori said, but then, "if anything does happen to you.. whoever hurt you had better have a pretty damn good hiding place."  
Nuriko grinned.  
"Hotohori-sama.. nothing is going to happen to me, ne?"  
----  
  
{kirameki tamae  
sadame no hoshi yo  
waga aisubeki  
mono-tachi no}  
  
(please shine,  
star of destiny!  
I should love  
the people.)  
  
He swore to me that nothing would happen to him.. but it did, didn't it, Nuriko?  
Something did happen. Something did happen and I couldn't do anything to help you.. to save you.. even if all I could have done was be there for your last moments, it would have been something, but...  
I told his brother Rokou what had happened. He had thanked me, with tears running down his face. I replied that this was a thankless task and that he should save his thanks for a happier time.  
He promised me... he promised nothing would happen, but it did, and now he's gone...  
Gods, what have I done to deserve this!?  
What have I done...?  
  
----  
"Hai.." Hotohori said, but there was dread in his heart. What if something did happen?  
"Hotohori-sama, you worry too much." Nuriko said with a grin. "I'll be fine. The only thing that could possibly go wrong is if I have to save Tasuki from drowning because Tamahome throws him overboard!"  
Hotohori laughed, and so did Nuriko.  
"Everything is perfect tonight," Nuriko commented. "Perfect.."  
----  
  
{kanashimu sugata  
dake ga kigakari  
kono mune no uchi  
tsugete kure}  
  
(but their sad condition  
is not the only concern  
that my inner heart  
tells me of.)  
  
Nuriko... that was not the worst thing that could happen. The worst that could happen did.  
Now, my sorrow distracts me. My advisors wonder why I am not as attentive as I should. I reply always that one of the Suzaku celestial warriors has been killed, that I am mourning them. I cannot tell them that I loved him.. that would be wrong to them. They did not hear his words, "ai wa ai da yo". They did not hear his voice when he told me he loved me, did not see his tears afterwards, thinking that I would reject him. How can they understand our love if they do not see it as we had? They can't understand our love because it defies their perfect little worlds where boys like girls and vice versa, where there is no room for love for one of the same sex, where there are no such words as "ai wa ai da yo". Where there is no openmindedness.  
Why don't they understand this?  
  
----  
Nuriko kissed Hotohori, and for a long moment, neither broke it, until Nuriko pulled away.  
"Hotohori-sama, don't worry. I'll be fine." He said. "And our love will always survive."  
"What should I tell my advisors when the time comes to tell them?" Hotohori wondered aloud.  
"Ai wa ai da yo," Nuriko intoned, smiling. "Just say that. 'Love is love'."  
----  
  
{sore wa ichido no wakare  
soshite towa no saikai  
watashi wa iru  
tomo ni ikita  
kioku no  
naka ni itsumo...}  
  
(that was our first parting,  
but then we'll meet again eternally.  
I'll still exist.  
the two of us will  
always live on  
in my memory...)  
  
I know that I will never forget him, or the love that we shared.  
I know that he didn't intend for this to happen, but it did.. and I will always regret not having forced the matter, not having pleaded with him to stay here, or ordered him if need be. Instead, I let him convince me that everything would be alright, and it wasn't.  
But I suppose it will be alright. I know that I will see him again, when I myself die.  
Praying, now, I release my sadness and become the emperor once more.  
Ai Wa Ai Da Yo  
Saihitei Seishuku  
"Hotohori"  
  
----  
"Nuriko??" Hotohori blinked sleepily at the other seishi, who had risen already.  
"It's dawn. Time for me to go," Nuriko replied with a grin.  
"Nuriko, promise me you'll be careful," Hotohori said, standing as well. Nuriko kissed him.  
"I'll be careful." Nuriko said, then kissed him again. "I love you and I'll see you soon."  
"I love you, Nuriko.." Hotohori replied. "Goodbye."  
He watched the older seishi walk out of that door, and somewhere within himself, knew that he would not return.  
----  
  
{kirameki tamae  
sadame no hoshi yo  
kono mi wo ten ni  
tokihanate}  
  
(please shine,  
star of destiny!  
release this body  
into the heavens.)  
  
**Owari** 


End file.
